“Because I can’t stand the shmutz in this house for one more minute,” I say, applying all the elbow grease I can muster. “Why are you doing that now?” Flash asks, genuinely curious. Flash stumbles into the bathroom to find me squatting in the tub, stark naked, scrubbing the hem of the shower curtain with a brillo pad. Only someone who has walked a mile in my mules (in swollen feet, no less) could possibly understand and put up with the monster I become for seven days out of every month. And this is the beauty of being a lesbian: my lover has been through it all before. And it’s a good thing, too, as I have enough Pre-menstrual TENSION for both of us. Yes, Flash is the envy of all our Baby Boomer and Generation X friends: she has worked hard and achieved menopause. Luckily I no longer have to worry about this Less-Than-Fabulous situation, because my beloved Flash has tapped into her ancient female wisdom and figured out how to never have her period again. Of all the joys of lesbian life, which are much too numerous to mention, there is one I would just as soon live without: the pleasure of two women living together, loving each other, and being PMS at the same time. – Bay Area Reporter Excerpts from PMS: Please Menstruate Soon! “Out of the Closet and Nothing to Wear made me laugh out loud so often that I seriously annoyed my cat.” Karla Jay, editor of Dyke Life: From Growing Up to Growing Old-A Celebration of the Lesbian Experience Her wit is even sharper than her nails and this collection will make you laugh out loud.” “Newman is surely America’s first lady of femme (and our unofficial lesbian ambassador to Filene’s Basement. “The moment I turned back the cover, I was laughing and couldn’t put it down….

Shortlisted for the 1997 Small Press Book Awards (Gay and Lesbian category). Nothing is sacred to Lesléa Newman, dubbed the “lesbian Erma Bombeck” of our time, as she uses her pen and wit to chronicle the adventures of our dynamic dyke duo in such chapters as “A Femme Shops ’til Her Butch Drops”, “Have Femme, Will Travel”, “The Butch that I Marry”, and “Our pocketbooks, Ourselves”. For an autographed copy of any of Lesléa’s books, please send an email directly to her at fictional comedy starring femme top author Lesléa Newman, her beloved butch, Flash, and other grrls, guys and felines who live, work and play in Lesbianville, USA.

Out of the Closets by Karla Jay